


Rage, Scream, Fight

by aijouu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Universe, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25795684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aijouu/pseuds/aijouu
Summary: Just an angsty lil' oneshot; I take requests by the way! ♡
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Survivor's Guilt, is what they called it. A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced by someone who had survived an incident in which others have died.

It had been five years.

Five years since the suicide march on the Beast Titan, five years since the numbers of the Survey Corps diminished into a mere handful of men and women, five years since the Battle of Shiganshina District, and five years since Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Survey Corps died, and yet those five years still lingered and haunted those who still breathed as if it were just yesterday and Levi never let it get to him. He was used to people dying, he was used to casualties, fatalities, loved ones dropping, dying left and right like horse-flies because everyone will die someday, as Erwin once announced before the very battle that took his life. Standing beside Erwin five years ago, Levi didn't think Erwin would die. Erwin Smith was immortal. Erwin Smith was deathless, invincible, undying, even. He'd defeated and escaped death on many occasions. His father was taken from him. Then soon his childhood, his innocence, his honor, the arm in which he used to salute the very organization that used to slander his name beneath treason and yet, Erwin let himself die at the fault of a pebble. And Levi loathed him for it.

He hated Erwin. He wanted to kill him the first day he met him and now that he was gone, he hated himself for wishing death upon the very man that took him into the Survey Corps.

Erwin shouldn't have died, that day. He shouldn't have refused the serum, and Levi should have stabbed him with it regardless of his pity words because humanity _needed_ Erwin Smith.

The remaining soldiers that lived and breathed needed him. The people needed him. Hanji, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin needed him. _Levi_ , needed him. He needed him right now more than ever but he refused to let Erwin steal the last bit of hope, and happiness he had. The bastard had taken enough from him.

The year was 855, and while Levi pushed the door open to The Commander's office, the office that was once Erwin's but now, Hanji's; he looked in at the four-eyed woman. He walked in and shut the door behind him. A small part of him despised the idea of Hanji sitting in Erwin's chair. He never disliked Hanji, but he tried not to associate himself with her and her antics. Although having to respect her when she'd taken not only Erwin's role, but his chair and desk and ink proved difficult for a reason Levi didn't know, he did anyways. He wasn't a child, and he'd obey whoever he needed to.

"Updates?" Levi asked, making his way to one of the armchairs in front of Erwin's— no, _Hanji's_ desk as he sat with one of his legs folded over the other.

"Hm.." Hanji hummed, looking through whatever documents and paperwork that laid on her desk.

She was disorganized, and messy, something Erwin never was, and as Levi's eyes glanced around the room, there wasn't a hint of him. They'd managed to rid the underlying scent of Erwin's black coffee that the wooden floorboards had absorbed after the many times he'd spilled it, from holding it with his janky, non-dominant hand. But Levi was quick to shake that thought out of his head as Hanji looked up at him.

"We're still recuperating," Hanji said. "people are either dead or missing and we're still searching," she informed him. They'd been doing this for the past five years and in that time, every morning, Levi came to her office for updates, and she told him the same thing every day.

Levi gave a curt nod.

He needed to do something, he needed to kill something, he needed to forget about the blue-eyed, bushy eyebrowed, demon sitting in the back of his mind that poisoned his thoughts every minute, and every hour, of every day. He was sick of him. He didn't want to think about him. He didn't want to be reminded of him and his absence every single fucking time he walked into a room and—

" _Levi, Commander Hanji is speaking. Pay attention_." a voice said.

Levi jolted, yanking himself out of his thoughts. His eyes ripping themselves up from his lap as he looked in front of him. He knew that voice, he knew that voice all too well as he gazed up, he saw him. He saw him, standing right there, with his arms folded, to the left of Hanji's chair. Erwin stood there. Erwin stood right there, with both arms, without a gash in his left side, dressed in uniform, with his blond hair parted to the right. He stood there with his arms crossed, his eyes fixated on Hanji's desk, and his bolo-tie around his neck. He was standing, standing right there.

"What?" Levi said aloud, blinking in a bit of shock and confusion and as he opened his eyes, Erwin disappeared.

"The coroner's office," Hanji said, thinking Levi had misheard her as she looked across the desk, and at the Captain. "you could check in and help identify a few people, speed up the process," she told him, eyeing Levi's expression. Levi was usually an expressionless, monotonous man but now, Levi looked different. He looked pale, shaken, white even.

As if he'd seen a ghost.

Levi looked at her and nodded, rising from his chair.

"Of course," Levi said, never faltering as he turned to leave Hanji's office. He pulled the door open, stepped through, and shut it after himself. And as he walked down the hall, he felt his heart quicken.

What was that, just then? For a moment Levi saw Erwin, clear as day, standing beside Hanji and looking down at the documents on her desk. Levi caught a glimpse of him. Healthy. Alive. Safe. A mere second ago, and at that same time, he vanished as quickly as he appeared as soon as Levi closed his eyes to blink. What was that? How did that happen? What was wrong with Levi? Why was he seeing things, and of all dead people, why was he seeing Erwin?

Levi shook his head, running a hand through his hair as his legs carried him to the coroner's office. A distraction was all he needed, a distraction and some sleep, considering Levi hadn't been getting much. Levi wasn't stupid. He'd been struggling to get rest and given the death of his prior Commander, of course he'd be seeing things.

It was a vivid hallucination, is all.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't a vivid hallucination.

In the days that followed, Levi found himself catching glances of Erwin more and more every day. Erwin manifested himself within Levi's mind, planting himself in his thoughts and in his head, clouding his judgment, so much to where Levi could see him and hear him for only a few minutes at a time, reminding him of Erwin's death, and of his own beating heart that lay awake on sleepless nights as he battled against the various voices and evil spirits that circled around his head, again, and again, and again.

"I get it!" Levi yelled, sitting on the bed in his candlelit bedroom as it thundered, and rained outside. "You should be alive, I know that!" Levi inhaled sharply, trembling as the thunder boomed loudly outside his window. "You don't think I regret letting you die?! You don't think I hate myself for it?!" he shouted, a terrifying stream of tears falling down his face as he sucked more air into his lungs, before hurrying, and pushing it all back out.

"All of humanity is going to die, because _I_ killed you! " Levi wailed, a crack of thunder pouring into Levi's ears before Levi reached up, shoving the palms of his hands into the sides of his heads and on top of his ears as he rocked himself, back and forth, in attempt to calm himself down.

"Just leave me alone.." Levi cried, wanting it all to stop. "I don't want to see you anymore.. I don't want to hear you.." he begged, clamping and squeezing his eyes shut with all his might as his entire body tensed.

He shivered from the frigid air in his bedroom, the storm outside his window, and the sheer craziness in his head. Erwin was in his head, again. He could hear him, see him, _feel_ , him, poking him and prodding him with a stick the very moment he stopped thinking about him. He killed Erwin, he knew he did. Erwin was dying and Levi could've saved him and he knew he could've. Levi never wanted Erwin to die, how could he want Erwin to die? Even though Levi shoved him away from the many smothering kisses of Erwin, he never wanted him to die. Even though Levi insulted him, disrespected him, made fun of him on a day to day basis, he never wanted to kill him. He never wanted him to die. He could never wish death on the one man that made him feel appreciated and like he mattered, in this world.

"I'm sorry.." Levi let out quietly, his voice coarse, cracked, and dry. "I'm sorry, Erwin.." more cries ripped from his throat while his lap dampened from the plummeting tears. "I'd take it back.. I'd take it all back.. I regret everything.." Levi tried to cleanse his conscience and yet, for some reason, it caused Levi to cry more. An uncontrollable waterfall of tears streaming from his eyes and as they fell, something warm, and gentle, and tender landed on Levi's knee and then, Levi's shuddering ceased.

He opened his eyes, peering down at the hand that had appeared on his lower limb.

The veins were thick, the skin was fairly tan, the hairs on its knuckles were blond and as Levi's eyes traced the hand all the way up the arm, and shoulder, and face; he looked at Erwin, and into those big, blue, shimmering eyes and Levi removed the hands blocking his hearing and his senses and just like that, his cries quieted. Erwin was right in front of him; laying a hand on his knee and looking at Levi the same way Levi was staring at him.

" _You shouldn't regret what happened. We're soldiers, we live with no regrets_." Erwin said, his deep, almost baritone voice making Levi's eyes prick.

Levi didn't know how Erwin could sound so real, how Erwin could talk to him, how Erwin could touch him, and yet, be buried six feet underground in a grove.

"You're not real," Levi shook his head, quickly getting as far away from him as he could while Erwin's eyes followed him. "You're dead, Erwin," a tear leaving Levi's eye as he stood in front of Erwin, taking a few steps back out of a mix of panic, fear, and uncertainty. "I watched you die five years ago, so whatever you are, leave me the _hell_ alone."

" _I can't leave you_ ," Erwin said.

"You left me! " Levi screamed. "You left me here, by myself!" he cried, as tears sprinkled down his face. "You left me here and you promised you'd never leave me! You _promised_ me, Erwin! _Me_! You promised _me_! How could you leave me?!" he gasped for air as he bawled. "Why would you leave me?! Why would you break your promise?! Why would you let yourself die right in front of me and expect me to not regret it?!"

" _Everyone dies, it was just my time_ ,"

"Fuck you and your _fucking_ time," Levi swore, watching as Erwin neared him. "You don't get to just _die_ , you don't get to just die and follow me and torment me as much as you fucking please," he said loudly, Erwin making a few steps towards him, as the bottom of his boots clacked against the hardwood floor. "You left me, and that was a choice you made, and you don't regret that?"

" _I never left you, I'm here with you right now, Levi_ ,"

"You're dead." Levi insisted. "You're not real, because you're dead, and because I.. killed you." his mouth shook.

Erwin had Levi pressed against a wall. Those piercing blue eyes making sure Levi could look nowhere but back at him as Levi swallowed thickly, and stared up at him with shaky, unbalanced breaths.

" _You're strong_ ,"

"Shut up." Levi averted his eyes but Erwin found them again, and made Levi look at him.

" _You're strong, stronger than me, stronger than anyone I know, and I won't let you mourn over me anymore_. "

Levi looked up at him, half of him wanting to hold him, and have him laying right beside him when he woke up each and every morning, and the other half of him wishing he'd go away, and rest already, just like he wanted.

" _It's been five years_ ," Erwin soothed. " _I've been dead for five years, and I need you to understand that you did what was best for humanity, and that you made the right choice_ ,"

"You expect me to let go of you when you're here, standing right in front of me?"

" _I expect you to stop blaming yourself, and believing that somehow, you're the reason I died because you're the reason I lived, Levi,"_

Levi stared up at him, his bottom lip trembling and quivering and no matter what Erwin said, Levi knew that deep down, Erwin wanted to leave, Erwin wanted to leave him. He wanted to die. He wanted to rest. He wanted Levi to stop thinking about him and Levi couldn't understand why didn't Erwin want him? Why didn't he want to stay with him? Why was Erwin asking him to forget him, to go on without him, to pretend that what happened to him didn't happen? Did he want him to rip out his heart and serve it to him? Was that it? Levi's eyes welled. He was nothing without Erwin, and hearing him say that his death was for the benefit of the human race made his throat swell and his chest tighten so much that Levi couldn't breathe.

"I cared about you," Levi admitted.

" _Levi—_ "

"No, shut your shitty _fucking_ mouth." Levi interrupted him, his voice rising as he stared up at him. "I loved you!" he shouted, his tears wetting his face once more. "You made me fall in love with you, you made me feel safe around you, you made feel like a person, a human being, _whenever_ I was with you and you made me feel like someone, Erwin! You made me feel loved, and needed, and wanted, so don't you _dare_ , ask me to forget you, or to move on, because I can't! " Levi croaked.

Erwin was the only man Levi loved. Erwin was the only man Levi could be soft, and vulnerable around. Levi could turn his back. He could let his guard down. He could take off his uniform, and his gear. He would leave all of his stress and all of his worries in the hallway outside of Erwin's bedroom door only to climb in bed with him, so that Erwin could remind him what it was like to be alive. They mingled in the bedsheets with such passion that Levi could feel his heart pumping in his chest, he could feel the blood rushing through his veins which such speed and anticipation and excitement he'd never felt before, he could feel the sweat leaving and escaping through the pores of his skin, the heat of his body alongside Erwin's and the overwhelming feeling of joy, relief, and euphoria, all while he gazed into the turquoise eyes of his lover and similar the walls protecting humanity, Erwin had always shielded Levi's heart. But following Erwin's death, those walls were disintegrating. Aging. Falling apart over time and they had been, for the past five years.

" _Levi, I need you to—_ "

"I hate you."

Erwin paused. His lips parting as he watched Levi, knowing he was hurting, and knowing he couldn't do anything to ease the pain away. Not this time.

"I hate you," Levi said again. "I hate you," he repeated, his tone gradually deepening. "I hate you, I hate you, I _hate_ you!" he exploded, a flash of lightning casting itself across the room and as soon as the room dimmed, and returned to its darkness, Erwin was gone.

Levi's breathing heaved as he cried. Long, painful wails and bellows leaving his mouth as Levi was left, alone. Levi put his hands in his hair, gripping handfuls of the obsidian hair that laid on his head as he crumbled, and sunk to the floor. Erwin was gone. Erwin has been gone, and yet, the sensation of being alone had finally caught up with Levi and Levi didn't want to be alone. He'd been alone for most of his life and being alone was scary. It was cold, treacherous, frightening in every way, shape, and form, but when he had Erwin, when he wasn't alone, the thoughts and ideas and scenarios that crept into Levi's ear, never came to mind, until now.

There was an emptiness in Levi's heart. An expanding gorge of darkness and insanity consuming him as he succumbed to the terrifyingly indecent thoughts in his head. He couldn't bear to be alone, and yet there was no one who had the capacity to understand him, listen to him, and talk to him.

Erwin was dead, and Levi knew that. But, Levi knew how to get to him so he wouldn't be alone.


	3. Chapter 3

A week had gone by, and in that week, Levi's visions of Erwin never stopped. Only now, Erwin never talked to him. Erwin spared him a disconcerting glance, or a worried stare, or a saddened glimpse every so often and as he watched Levi put himself through hell, all he could do was observe. He watched as Levi tortured himself, locking himself in his bedroom, disallowing himself the luxury of sleep and warmth, refusing to eat proper meals, not letting himself think of anything of anyone but him. But Erwin. Levi thought about him often, but he wasn't mourning. Levi was insulting himself, calling himself cruel words, blaming himself for Erwin's death along with letting himself go along with that stupid, foolish, idiotic plan of his, five years ago. Erwin wanted to go to the basement, and yet Levi made the choice for him. He initiated the suicide march. He killed Erwin. He killed all of those young men and women, sent them to their deaths while having them know they weren't coming back alive, murdered them before they even got a chance to live, and to love, and to be happy.

Levi didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve life. He didn't deserve to live.

He couldn't look in the eyes of the many broken and battered families he caused as a result of what he'd done. He couldn't go on, he couldn't lead, he couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, and now, he found himself sitting in his own office, writing a note, as he sat in his desk. Levi's hand moved against the paper aimlessly, not wanting to admit that he too, had weaknesses, that he too, had inner demons, that he too, was a flawed human being who couldn't handle the pressure of the many lives at stake of his very command.

The note he was writing was a note explaining why Levi was taking his life, today. And even though he intended to be honest within the last piece of him that would soon become the very embodiment of himself, Levi found himself lying.

I did all I could.

I tried.

I fought.

No, he didn't. And he knew he didn't. They were lies. Vague, blurry lies that no one would ever understand but Levi didn't care, he just wanted to go. His hand shook and quavered as he signed the note with his first and last name, ensuring that what he was doing was what he wanted, and that what was about to happen wasn't staged, or any sort of framework. He slid the note to the far corner of the desk, allowing it to be easily seen by whoever was to find him in the morning. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a razor blade. It had been dulled, as he wanted to feel the pain and suffering and agony in which he'd put many husbands, wives, brothers, and sisters through; having killed their loved ones, along with The 13th Commander. He took a deep, and shaky breath, laying his left arm out and flat on the desk while his right hand held the razor. Nights ago he'd decided that cutting himself and bleeding out was the best choice out of all the ones he'd thought of. A gunshot would wake others. A noose would choke him and others would hear him struggling but this, this was quiet, and slow, and it wouldn't harm anyone.

As Levi brought his right hand over to the protruding veins of his left arm, he took another breath, and to his very demise, the smell of a very poorly-brewed coffee filled his lungs.

" _Those are lies_ ," Erwin said, now standing right behind Levi with his hands folded neatly behind his back.

Levi just shut his eyes, not wanting to deal with whatever figment of his imagination that came to deter him now. He wanted this, and he wanted to rest in the same way that Erwin was.

"I swear to God—"

" _I'm not a figment of your imagination._ " he read Levi's mind. " _And I'm telling you what you wrote, it's not true. You're lying_."

"I don't need this right now."

" _Humanity's Strongest is not a liar_."

"Erwin," Levi warned, he hated that stupid fucking title he was given.

" _Humanity's Strongest is not a coward._ "

"Erwin." Levi cautioned again, louder, this time.

" _Humanity's Strongest should not be found dead in an office, but instead out there, on the other side of those walls_."

"Erwin!" Levi yelled, making Erwin stop. Erwin removed his hands from behind him. He walked in front of Levi's desk, sitting down in the armchair as he peered over at Levi, only to notice that his eyes were puffy and red, a sign of immense grief, and pain, and sorrow. His eyes were dark, and hollow, no longer carrying the hope, and the soul, of the man Erwin loved and his chest ached just at the sight of him, and the sight of seeing him like this.

" _That blade isn't sharp enough, you and I both know that_ ," Erwin noted. Levi knew better, if Levi really wanted to leave this world, he'd sharpen the blade he held in his hand the same way he would sharpen his swords.

"It's sharp enough." Levi snapped, glaring at him.

" _You don't want to do this_."

"Don't tell me what I want to do."

" _Levi, you don't want to die._ "

"Get out of my head."

" _You're being selfish_." Erwin reminded.

Levi looked away from Erwin, and down at his two hands. He was sick of him. Even in death, all Erwin did was tell him what was right and wrong and what he should and shouldn't be doing. So, he'd show him. He wanted this. He wanted to die. He brought the razor closer to his wrist, pressing the sharp edge down and into his skin as he grimaced, watching as the blood pooled on the top of his skin before raking the blade across his skin as he watched the deep, dark red liquid seep out from his wound.

It stung.

It stung, and it hurt, and it brought tears to his eyes but he kept going. He deserved this, he thought, slicing another line on his wrist as he grunted. It was all his fault, he told himself, cutting another line as he scored the flesh of his arm, watching as his blood oozed out and onto his desk. He was responsible for the lives lost, he cried. He killed people, he went on. The blame was held on nobody's head except for his own and as he cut lines into his wrist and forearm and allowed them to bleed out, his breathing grew heavier. He was losing blood and losing it fast and at this rate, he'd be dead in an hour, and yet he managed to lift his eyes and drag his gaze up and towards Erwin.

" _You're going to have to cut deeper than that, since this is what you really want_." Erwin watched him.

"Shut up." Levi spat back, softly. He didn't want his last few moments to become yet another one of he and Erwin's pity arguments.

" _You don't want to die, and you don't want this_."

"Leave me alone."

 _"You're only thinking about yourself. You're being irresponsible, weak, childish, and I never taught you or trained you to act like this_."

"Erwin, would you just—"

" _I'm dead, Levi!_ " Erwin rose his voice, making Levi jump as he looked across the desk, and at Erwin.

He was used to Erwin yelling, motivating his soldiers, prepping them before battle. But Erwin has never yelled at him directly, or in the way he was now. Levi stared at him with expanded eyes from both disbelief and from being petrified by the veins in Erwin's neck, the anger in his eyes, and the frustration on his face as Erwin's disappointment rose.

" _I wasn't strong enough, but you, you are. You're Humanity's Strongest. Humanity's Last and Only Hope. You are not allowed to leave this world until you are taken out of it by a force other than yourself, and that is your duty, whether you like it, or not_." Erwin said sternly. His voice loud, horrifying, and waking Levi out of his trance. " _You do not fight for me and me only. You fight for humanity. You fight for the dead and the living. You fight for the children behind these walls that will make songs about you and your name and your bravery and you fight for the soldiers who have sacrificed their lives to save yours, and you will not waste it. You are not to die here, in these walls, by your own hands. By doing this you will have doomed humanity, you will leave the world in complete and utter catastrophe and that is not something I can forgive you for. You will not be mourned. You will not be martyred. What you are doing is dishonorable, beneath every definition, and I will not allow it by any means, do I make myself clear?_ "

Levi stared at him, his mouth trembling from not knowing what to say as his body shivered.

" _We are soldiers. We finish what we started, come what may_." Erwin stood up from the chair, only to tower over Levi as he peered down at him. " _You are to disinfect your wounds, wrap them in gauze, and ensure that no one is to see them. Burn the note you've written, clean this mess, because the Levi I know, is not weak, nor is he childish, nor is he selfish. He is a force to be reckoned with, and that is another thing you and I both know_. "

"E-Erwin—"

" _Life is not meaningless_." Erwin's tone softened.

Erwin and Levi paused, a moment of silence allowing the words of the fallen Commander to sink in, and soak into Levi's mind.

" _We fight for our lives because it is precious. We protect our lives because it is priceless. But in the face of death, we do not run away_." Erwin looked back and forth into Levi's eyes. " _You are to do as I have told you. Pull yourself together, clean yourself up, walk tall with your head held high no matter what words are spoken behind your back because you are the face of humanity, and humanity depends on you and only you, am I understood?_ "

"I-I—" Levi stammered.

" _That's an order, Levi_ ," Erwin said.

Levi's eyes burned. Erwin knew he couldn't refuse an order, he knew he could never say no to Erwin, and as Erwin leaned closer; he pressed his lips onto Levi's cheek and his mouth was warm. His lips were just as soft as Levi had remembered them to be and as Levi blinked, letting a teardrop fall from his eye, within that same millisecond in which Levi's eyes were closed, Erwin dissipated, and Levi sat by himself, in his office, sitting in a pool of his own blood and fluids. Levi quickly sat up, sniffling and clearing his throat as he wiped his face with the back of his hand. He got up, rushing to the infirmary while adding pressure to his bleeding arm in hopes to suppress it while as he followed through with each and every one of Erwin's orders.

Levi was not alone. He was never alone. There will always be missing people. There will always be deaths, and heavy tolls, and weightless sacrifices which may never be able to be repaid. Levi couldn't afford to die, he had to carry out not only Erwin's wishes, but the many wishes of those within the walls. He couldn't die and let all of what Erwin had done, go to waste. Without Erwin, humanity would have fallen decades ago. Without Erwin, humanity would have succumbed to the titans. Without Erwin, the small, thin string of hope that Levi along with many others were holding onto would not exist and the fact that everyone will die someday no longer bothered him, as it used to. Levi would die, and he'd willingly die if it meant saving the life of another.

However, Levi had orders to follow through with.


End file.
